Portland Makes New Attempt to Sit at the Lunch Table With the Cool Cities

Portland — Maine’s largest city is in the national spotlight for trying to sit at the cool kid table with the nation’s bigger cities.

After several weeks of working up its courage, Portland casually walked over to the cool kid table and asked if there was any room. A reluctant Boston shuffled over to clear a seat.

“Hey, so, rent control is pretty great right?” Portland nervously exclaimed in a transparent attempt to win the favor of San Francisco and New York City.

When Boston stood up to leave, Portland blurted out “anyone else love the culinary possibilities that come from the sea?”

As Portland tried to start a conversation about farm to table restaurants with Seattle, the rest of the cities exchanged glances before excusing themselves, leaving a humiliated Portland to finish lunch alone.

Bangor and Lewiston were smoking cigarettes behind the gym at the time and didn’t see the events unfold, but Waterville caught up with them at a pit party and filled them in, according to reports.

Author: Seth G. Macy

Real American.

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