Expert Panel Concludes Maine Didn’t Used to Be Like This

Augusta —¬†Experts presented their conclusion to a years-long study of how Maine is now, compared to how it once was, and the results are alarming.

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“Weren’t like this back in the ’70s,” lead researched Brian Richards said in a prepared statement.

“Didn’t used to be like this at all. Terrible now. Don’t even hardly recognize it,” Richards said. Richards grew up in Thomaston, but has since moved north.

“Time was, if you had a few beers and a cop pulled you over, he’d just follow you to make sure you got home alright,” he said.

“Nowadays they’d put you in county in a friggin second. Didn’t used to be like this,” he lamented.

Richards’ panel pointed to increased traffic, art galleries, and highlighted business locations that used to be other business locations.

“That used to be a restaurant,” Richards said of a farm-to-grocery store.

“Had wicked good fishcakes there. Me and father used to go there on Saturdays.”

“Now all you can get is a seven dollar leaf of lettuce,” he complained.

A counter panel has been commissioned studying the positive effects of Maine’s organic farms.

 

5 thoughts on “Expert Panel Concludes Maine Didn’t Used to Be Like This”

  1. Niiice website. I now have it bookmarked, and await the release of the report from the commission on the positive effects of Maine’s organic farms.

    “We find that Mainers who consume organic food feel 150% more self righteous, significantly boosting average self esteem in the state.”

    Feel free to use that lol.

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