Survey Names Canadian-Based Death Mines Maine’s Best Place to Work

Patten — A Canadian mining company is proudly displaying its “Best Places in Maine to Work” banner after completing, and paying for, a Maine-based survey.

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The Death Mines of Halgalog, where the stench of decay is a permanent fixture, and the shrieking of souls long departed drone out the thoughts of all those who toil within, was lauded by HR for its break room fridge.

“It’s always stocked with the coldest and best beers,” Tammy Pershing, who goes by EMPLOYEE 655379 on the job, told us.

The beers are strictly off limits to all, but Pershing likes knowing they’re there.

“It’s so cool to work someplace that wants to be seen as a hip place to work,” she said.

The mine is primarily interested in exploring Earth’s darkest recesses, where men have gone mad at the sight of the evils that lay behind the obsidian demon’s dais uncovered by some of Maine’s happiest workers last year.

“All workers on the project were rewarded with the honor of being sacrificed to feed the mighty Halgalog, whose appetite for the innocent knows no Earthly bounds,” mine HR manager Al Pelletier said.

“All hail Halgalog,” he added.

The Death Mines beat out dozens of other Maine businesses, including Maine Hearths and Pain, The Midcoast Glass Eatery, and Bangor’s House of Nails, by paying more money.

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