Governor’s Dramatic Weight Loss Traced Back to Night He Hit a Gypsy Woman With His Car

Augusta —¬†Governor Paul LePage took office as a heavyset man, but when he leaves office next year, he may be nothing more than a bag of bones.

The Governor’s extreme weight loss began when a carnival visited Waterville, where LePage formerly served on the city council. While driving home and thinking about a doughboy he enjoyed, he struck a gypsy woman with his car.

LePage was able to use his connections to get off without any charges, but unfortunately the woman’s father was a 106-year old man who represented some of the worst stereotypes about the Romani people.

The man brushed LePage on the cheek and muttered a single word: “skinnier.” Since then, the Governor has lost weight at a pace far faster than could be explained by diet alone.

The Governor’s office declined to fully comment on his curse, but did say LePage visited the gypsy camp where the 106-year old was said to reside. However, the meeting only served to infuriate the gypsy man, who increased the curse’s effect.

LePage said he brought up his rapid weight loss when meeting with the President and Vice President, and highly recommended the current administration adopt policies allowing Americans to come under the cold shadow of their own ironic curses.

While the weight loss has helped the Governor’s over-all health, eventually he’ll need to pass the curse onto someone else lest he become a walking skeleton.

LePage reportedly prepared a strawberry pie using a drop of his own cursed blood to give to New Jersey governor Chris Christie, thereby passing the dark magic onto him.

However, it’s believed Christie may already be under a curse after a gypsy man brushed his cheek and muttered “huge piece of shit.”

You can support New Maine News on Patreon for as little as one dollar.

 

 

New Maine News hats are back!
New Maine News hats are back!

6 thoughts on “Governor’s Dramatic Weight Loss Traced Back to Night He Hit a Gypsy Woman With His Car”

  1. Gypsy, schmypsy- his weight loss has nothing to do with hitting that woman. He’s always hitting on someone, and it doesn’t seem to affect him a bit. No, what it is: he’s never learned to eat humble pie, nor to eat his own words. He’d be a better person for it if he did. He’d certainly look a lot better – that picture of him is scary!

  2. He think’s he is smarter than GOD. Trying to fit through eye of a needle. Could be new GOP wave. Good luck with “Bone Spurrrr’s”

Leave a Reply