Hospitals Across Maine Report Epidemic of Chipped Nipples

Statewide — Emergency rooms around the state are normally filled with patients suffering from the flu or from injuries related to snow mobiling, but this year’s cold snap is bringing patients in with an age-old problem.

“When it’s this cold, we try to warn people they’ll chip a nip out there if they aren’t careful,” Maine Medical Center emergency room physician Dr. Sanjay Acharya told us.

“Even bundling up to extreme lengths can’t always protect against chipping,” Dr. Acharaya said.

The medical term for chipped nips is hyperextreme nipple glaciation, and it only occurs when air temperatures drop below 10 degrees Fahrenheit.

“From a scientific stand-point, there just isn’t enough research into the causes of nipple chippage beyond the fact that it’s colder than a whore’s heart in church,” Acharaya said.

If you or someone you know is suffering from the early signs of chipped nips, Acharaya says get inside, near a wood stove preferably, or failing that, into the cab of a running truck.

“Let her run if you have to,” Acharaya said.

In addition to wood or truck heat, Acharaya also recommends a hot toddy or two.

“Something to get the heart pumping,” he said.

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31 thoughts on “Hospitals Across Maine Report Epidemic of Chipped Nipples”

  1. And I had always thought that a “chipped nip” resulted from chattering while trying to down a slug of coffee brandy. I haven’t tried this, but I have heard that superglue helps with dinged dugs.

  2. Keep them nips flat and warm before getting all cold and chipped by putting bandaids or “Tucks” on ’em first. That’s what them TV newswoman, marathoners, and certain school teachers do all the time!

  3. This is fake news! My nips can cut diamonds when it is this cold!! But two dents in the hood of the car trying scrap the windshield this morning.

      1. Hey now! Either your windshield gets etched or your hood gets dented up! Put the duck tape to ’em!!

  4. Listen here chummy, i ran my forehead into one sittin up callin out to the messiah last Monday mornin, and no doubt it chippedoff a chunk too; it aint a joke. I aint gonna see outta my right eye til after this comin’ snow bomb clears about Saturday and I got plowin to do!

  5. “From a scientific stand-point, there just isn’t enough research into the causes of nipple chippage beyond the fact that it’s colder than a whore’s heart in church!” Now that’s some full disclosure! Thanks New Maine News for your hard hitting coverage of what’s really going on beyond these frigid walls!

  6. There ain’t nothing sadder than the sight of an untreated chipped nip in Old Orchard in July. Keep puttin’ the bag balm to ‘em, if you see ‘em, people. Save us all!

  7. There’s really an article that recommends drinking alcohol to warm up? How terribly irresponsible given the conditions that we are now experiencing. You should be ashamed.

      1. This as been great entertainment. I even laughed out loud. The wind is howling like hell. The ice is on the inside of my windows. I absolutely dispize this weather. Thanks for the chuckle. Oh, hey Rexcraigo-lighten up. I’m grateful for the rum that warms the inside even if the outside is chilled. And if I get chipped……I’ll treat it with the rum.

  8. This is so funny!
    I’ve enjoyed reading the banter.
    I’m from good ole South Carolina and we’re still waiting for winter to arrive…
    Hope you’ll be able to understand the southern lingo.
    I had a brainstorm or should I say brain freeze?
    When the tow truck is finished picking up dismembered frozen toes… Maybe they’ll start collecting chipped nips.
    Bag them up, toss in some powdered cheese…tah dah!! Cheese Nips!
    Delicious treats on those “nippy” days.
    Y’all stay warm and safe.
    BTW, instant hand warmers work well in a bra I would think.
    Don’t know what you men would make them work.
    Wait…. DUCT TAPE!

    1. Your welcome Lori, send me a big roll of camo Duck tape from Southcarolina soon as it gets real cold here!

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