Portland Survives Rising Waters by Clinging to Inflated Sense of Self-Worth

Portland — Maine’s largest city couldn’t escape the wrath of yesterday’s winter storm, but thankfully it was able to make it through the ordeal by passing a ban on synthetic pesticides.

New New Maine News products are available!
Beef Lords Gaming Depot: Modern Apparel

“You wouldn’t see this kind move in other Maine cities,” Mayor Ethan Strimling said in a press release. “Except South Portland, but they overheard us talking about the ban a long time ago and stole our idea, probably.”

The City Council and the Mayor were in rare and total agreement in enacting the ban.

The city’s official policy is to replace synthetic poisons with poisons that are chemically and lethally identical, but more agreeably named. Portland’s pride over the ban helped it float over the rising tides of Casco Bay.

The vote in favor of banning synthetic pesticides came after a one-hour presentation titled ‘Letting Our Bugs Die With Dignity.’

“Natural pesticides are a great way to show the other cities we’re ready to play in the big leagues,” City Councilor Brian Batson said.

“Has San Francisco asked about us? Just wondering if you heard anything.”

While the city council is in agreement about organic pesticides being better than synthetic, it also agreed the high tides and major storm were the product of climate change.

“We all firmly believe in science here,” Batson told us.

Flooding also struck Belfast, but residents were able to survive the deep water thanks to their upturned noses.




16 thoughts on “Portland Survives Rising Waters by Clinging to Inflated Sense of Self-Worth”

  1. Hilarious! Being a resident of So. Portland, I can tell you that our City Council is absolutely in awe of Portland’s. Fan boys if you will. Anything Portland considers will be glommed on by So. Portland.

      1. “Pack up the kids. Jump in the car. Drive to Perry’s Nut House, and there you are. Right on the coast, route number one. Belfast, Maine, Oh golly, what fun.” (Perry’s jingle from the 1950’s)

  2. Somehow I came across this blog all the way from Washington state. If that wasn’t surprising enough, today I learned that Maine has a Portland, too.

    (Yes, I did go to public school, and sometimes it shows.)

      1. And Portland, ME was named after its founder, entrepreneur Hubert Jeffrey Portland. He came over from England with his less entrepreneurial younger brother tagging along, Gregory South Portland.

      2. Yes, they was the ones that invented Portland Cement and Portland Headlights! Google it!

      3. They’d be crestfallen to know that the Abenaki word for that area, Machigonne, means”nothing special.”

Leave a Reply to Richard Scales Cancel reply