Lisbon — The Moxie Beverage Company officially announced the first new addition to the Moxie family of beverages in years, designed especially for hearty Mainers.
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The new derivative, called ‘True Mainer Moxie’ is sugar-free. In fact, it includes no sweeteners of any kind. In place of sugar, a harsh bittering agent is added. The agent is normally used to treat farm equipment to keep livestock from chewing it.
One of the biggest challenges flavor engineers faced in formulating the new drink was coming up with a synthetic kerosene flavoring.
“Obviously we couldn’t use real kerosene, because it’s poisonous,” engineer Barbara McPatrick told us. “So we came up with a way to mimic the flavor without harming anyone.”
The engineers didn’t need to use synthetics when it came to the next flavor: sap from a spruce tree.
“Nothing beats the real thing when it comes to the pungent tang of spruce,” McPatrick said.
The results speak for themselves.
“This new formula is so off-putting, so terrible, only the realest of Mainers would even dare open a can of it, much less finish it,” McPatrick said.
McPatrick said there’s one big problem with the new formula, one her team didn’t expect.
“People who don’t enjoy normal Moxie try the new flavor with the kerosene and spruce sap can’t tell the difference,” she said.