Moxie Introduces New ‘True Mainer’ Blend Designed to Taste Even Worse

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Lisbon — The Moxie Beverage Company officially announced the first new addition to the Moxie family of beverages in years, designed especially for hearty Mainers.

The new derivative, called ‘True Mainer Moxie’ is sugar-free. In fact, it includes no sweeteners of any kind. In place of sugar, a harsh bittering agent is added. The agent is normally used to treat farm equipment to keep livestock from chewing it.

One of the biggest challenges flavor engineers faced in formulating the new drink was coming up with a synthetic kerosene flavoring.

“Obviously we couldn’t use real kerosene, because it’s poisonous,” engineer Barbara McPatrick told us. “So we came up with a way to mimic the flavor without harming anyone.”

The engineers didn’t need to use synthetics when it came to the next flavor: sap from a spruce tree.

“Nothing beats the real thing when it comes to the pungent tang of spruce,” McPatrick said.

The results speak for themselves.

“This new formula is so off-putting, so terrible, only the realest of Mainers would even dare open a can of it, much less finish it,” McPatrick said.

McPatrick said there’s one big problem with the new formula, one her team didn’t expect.

“People who don’t enjoy normal Moxie try the new flavor with the kerosene and spruce sap can’t tell the difference,” she said.

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25 thoughts on “Moxie Introduces New ‘True Mainer’ Blend Designed to Taste Even Worse”

  1. Just joined up, heah. Ain’t had so much fun since grandma got her tit caught in the washing machine wringah!.

  2. It was funny when you mocked Red’s Eats, now it’s no longer funny. Leave Moxie alone. Or else. Remember what the Wicked good Band said: “all the girls will think you’re foxy when you chug-a-lug your Moxie, and never show the pain”

  3. Some people say the “Real Maine” is anywheres north of Augusta, so what or where or who is a “True Mainer”? P.S. Spray a little WD-40 in your next Moxie to make it taste like it did years ago.

  4. Several years ago I moved to Florida, but find I still miss the taste of Moxie. I once had my cousin pick me up a case when he came down from Nova Scotia to visit. It’s NOT the taste of Moxie that is unusual – it’s the aftertaste which I was somewhat successful in replicating with Coca Cola flavored with a dash of licorice and a Camel cigarette butt. Several weeks ago I discovered that Publix grocery store now carries a line of several obscure colas ….Moxie included – and in a bottle as God intended. They also carry a cola named “Shinola” which is “Bottled in Detroit” and tastes worse than shoe polish.

  5. So if Moxie is “Maine’s Official Soft Drink”, is Allen’s Coffee Flavored Brandy “Maine’s Official Hard Stuff” or is it Fireball?!

    1. True! Moxie should never be mocked. It should be drunk as the pure original or as close as you can get it these days. Look what it did for Calvin Coolidge – perhaps the only President who knew how to keep his mouth shut.

      1. Perry’s Nut House is what put Belfast on the map many years ago, way before David DeLorme was even born!

      2. “Pack up the kids. Jump in the car. Drive to Perry’s Nut House, and there you are. Right on the coast, route number one. Belfast, Maine, Oh golly what fun.” ( Perry’s jingle-1950’s)

  6. Moxie? Anythin tastes thet bad cain’t be good for you. Someone says it tastes like kerosene. Cain’t vouch for thet, never having tasted kerosene, but I gits the sentiment. So if they’s makin it taste worse then it already does, gosh darn almighty judas priest – thet’s gotta be somethin. Probly turn out to be a big seller like Maine Air or San Francisco Fog. As PT Barnum said: they’s a sucker born evry minit.

  7. Hey now, Moxie saved my life. My cah broke down on a dirt road just north of Paria Canyon and luckily I had 2 liters of Moxie in the coolah.

    1. I’ve used Coke to clean my car battery terminals. But I might rather walk home than waste my Moxie on the car.

  8. The man who writes this web page is a credit to Maine.

    It’s nice to see the new generation is even raising the bar.

    The humble Farmer

  9. Hey! don’t poke fun at Moxie – it’s great for summer grillin’! It’s refreshing AND is the only thing that can get the red dye off the grill after cookin’ up a mess of those Kirshna hotdogs!

  10. I’m wondering if I am allowed to turn in an old six pack of Moxie for the new ones…(For internet use….im wonding if im aloud to tern in a old sic pak of Mocie for nu ones.)

  11. I gotta get me some of this! The only way you could possibly make Moxie taste better would be to make it stronger, so I’m in!

    1. You want it stronger? Then spray a little WD-40 in your next Moxie to make it taste like it did years ago!

  12. They use mud flat water for it now, hence the spectacular flavor and stout pourability. They just added moose hoof extract and old bait residue to spice it up. Mighty fine, and sure to be a hit! Long Live Moxie!

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