Sad News for Maine’s Summer Population: The Vineyard Vines Whale Beached Itself Last Night

North Haven Brewery Co.
North Haven Brewing Co.

Cape Elizabeth — Marine biologists confirmed the worst this morning, positively identifying the beloved Vineyard Vines whale as the one found dead on the beach in Cape Elizabeth.

“Few, if any, sperm whales are salmon colored, which was our first big clue,” said lead biologist Donna Terrio of the University of Maine.

“If you’re a marine biologist, you pick up on these little things others might miss when it comes to identifying individual whales. But also, if you own a pair of Starboard Green $165 chinos, you’re no doubt intimately familiar with this poor whale.”

Biologists are at a loss to explain whale beachings. Some, like the Vineyard Vines whale, are single cases, while other times, the animals beach themselves in groups.

“We think their biological navigation systems get out of whack, and the poor things just let lost,” Terrio said.

“But for this whale, there was a large, invite-only $2500 a plate dinner last night to raise funds for the Democratic Party of Maine governor committee, and we think the whale was able to pick up on that energy.”

It’s also unusual for the Vineyard Vines whale to be spotted this time of year.

“Mostly, this animal is seen along the coast of Maine from just after Memorial Day until around Labor Day,” Terrio said.

“But lately, it seems like it’s been staying around longer. Some people have even reported it as late as Columbus Day.”

In honor of the whale, the Vineyard Vines location in Freeport will be flying its Unconstructed Blackwatch Back Cove Plaid Blazers at half price.

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