Portland Shuts Down After Falling In Love With Its Own Reflection

North Haven Brewery Co.
North Haven Brewing Co.

Portland — The federal government isn’t the only entity suffering the effects of a shutdown.

The city of Portland is unable to complete any work now that it’s become enamored of its own visage beaming back from the calm waters of Casco Bay.

“All non-essential city workers are to stay home during this period of self-adoring,” a spokesperson for the city said in an official statement.

The troubles began when Portland, a proud city that disdains those who love it back, caught sight of itself in the cold sea.

“Portland didn’t realize it was a reflection of itself, and unfortunately, has fallen deeply in love with the image of the city, with its hip breweries, exciting arts, and expensive organic pizzas.”

“When Portland looks at itself, it sees perfection. A lovely, fetching city that loves itself more deeply than anyone thought possible.”

Residents of Portland are understandably upset to learn their city is suffering from a shut-down, but are quick to understand when told the reason.

“I left it all behind to come here, and I’ve never felt more at home than I do on Munjoy Hill,” said Chance Whitely, formerly of Williamsburg.

“It’s so quiet and expensive. What’s not to love?”

Officials are considering furloughing official efforts to harass the homeless and remove their encampments from in and around the city long enough that it remembers it has an ugly side, too.

 

New Maine News hats are back!
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6 thoughts on “Portland Shuts Down After Falling In Love With Its Own Reflection”

  1. There’s only 347 people in Williamsburg Maine, and probably half of them’s never even been to Portland. Chance Whitely leaving town lowered it to 346. He’s probably still looking up at all the tall buildings downtown in awe.!

  2. Portland is lovely, especially whenst seen from the “Joe Bornstein” sign atop that building. It is my understanding that Joe and Chance are inviting the homeless to DeMillo’s for cocktails and lobster because “since we are so full of ourselves, we want the needy and desperate to have that wonderful feeling also!”

  3. You no doubt meant “non emergency” city workers, right? I mean no one in Portland could possibly be non-essential.

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