Syria — The Islamic State released a statement exclaiming to the world its part in the blizzard that brought down the historic brining shed early last month.
“Our strength has won the day, and taken from the filthy people of the United States a blasphemous and false idol in the ugly final remnants of a bygone industry,” an unidentified member of ISIS said in a video posted on YouTube.
The chilling footage of a masked man is spliced with images of the shed in its crippled state, with shocking scenes of its collapse and slow march to the sea.
“Our hearts were raised to heaven, and we were rewarded for our dedication to the caliphate when the shed landed on the shores of America’s weak and simpering neighbor, Canada.”
The international tensions raised when some citizens of Canada tried to scavenge the shed were described by the unidentified ISIS member as “a delight to all members of the Islamic State.”
“To see discord sewn between two allies is a reward for our unending dedication to the cause.”
ISIS has been known to claim responsibility for many attacks and acts of terror the world over, but the CIA says this is the first time ISIS has claimed to control the weather.
“Frankly, we’re terrified,” a CIA spokesperson said.
“If they truly can control the weather, we may be unable to stop them. This flew completely under our radar. We have no intelligence on ISIS and its weather machines. If there was ever a time to panic, it’s now,” the spokesperson told us.
While the announcement only came today, it seems some Mainers were anticipating the claim, as trucks statewide have been spotted with Terrorist Hunting Permits affixed to the back windows.