Freeport — L.L. Bean is ending its famously generous return policy, no longer allowing lifetime returns on its products. Millionaire cheapskates stand to lose the most with this new policy.
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“We always loved driving up the coast in the Mercedes, stopping at yard sales to buy old L.L. Bean clothes for pennies on the dollar, and then visiting the store in Freeport to exchange it all for store credit,” said Chauncey Wigginbottom.
Without the extremely generous return policy to take advantage of, Wigginbottom isn’t sure how this year’s excursion to Maine will play out.
“There was something comforting in knowing we’d leave the L.L. Bean store with a nice sum of money. That’s money we used to use to barely tip restaurant servers, or to buy lunch at Red’s Eats.”
Now that money won’t be going back into the local economy in extremely tiny increments.
Perhaps most devastating of all, Wigginbottom won’t be able to exchange last year’s winter coat for the latest winter fashion.
“I’m going to look like a poor this year in Aspen, wearing a jacket from last year. How selfish can a company be?”
When asked why he doesn’t just hold onto, or buy new, items, Wigginbottom became visibly upset.
“My ancestor made the family fortune in the Triangle Trade. A huge part of that type of commerce isn’t even legal any more,” he told us.
“How are we supposed to survive both without new income, and without being able to trade out the old salmon slacks we found in my grandfather’s summer home after he died?”