Augusta — In these hyper-partisan times, having both parties see eye to eye is rare. But when it comes to representing the most extreme and one-dimensional stereotypes about their parties, Maine’s lawmakers find common ground.
“As sickening and perverse as I find my colleagues across the aisle, I definitely admire their commitment to work toward embodying negative stereotypes about Democrats,” one Republican lawmaker, dressed in an oversized suit and stinking of gin, said.
“I definitely agree with that racist bag of crap,” a Dem told us. Dressed in a suit jacket over a Nordic sweater and a sporting a pair of cargo pants, the Democrat sipped some manner of kombucha drink from a Mason jar.
“I’ve had this mother for years,” he said, working hard to ignore the pungent, vinegary aroma produced by the fermenting slime.
Another Dem, wearing an infinity scarf and LL Bean fleece vest, agreed.
“You know, when I came to Maine last year from Connecticut, I was struck by how hard working the people I carefully chose to speak with were,” she said. She owns a business producing hand-made small batch artisanal paper products.
“Maine is famous for its paper industry so I figured, why not?” she smiled, flashing her brilliant white teeth that have never known neglect.
Another Republican lawmaker, this one wearing a cartoon lumberjack outfit and wielding a double-bladed axe, spoke up.
“It’s admirable, how these Democrats share our common belief in taking only the most superficial and party-line stances on anything, but we proud members of the GOP get all our talking points from ‘Voice of Maine.'”
A Dem with filthy dredlocks and a Che Guevara t-shirt put down his joint long enough to add “We get all our talking points from Rachel Maddow.”
Another Dem, dressed like Nancy Pelosi, added she loves “paying lip service to the issues facing the poor, while helping enrich my banker friends in New York.”
Finally, an obese, monocled Republican wearing a top-hat and lighting a cigar with a $100 bill told us his love for the people of Maine is what drives his overt racism.