Controversial Study Finds Seatbelts Unnecessary if Driver Promises Not to Crash

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Augusta —¬†Findings released by the Maine Institute for Rural Driving are being heavily criticized for claiming seatbelts are over-rated.

“According to our studies, if you put on your seatbelt and the driver says ‘Dude, I promise I won’t crash,’ and then laughs at you, you should be just fine.”

The findings also cover instances when a passenger buckles up and the driver asks if they don’t trust their driving skills.

“If they say that, or ‘Oh, I guess I’m a scary driver now?,’ you don’t want to look like a pansy, so it’s best to give them your trust.”

The findings are being questioned by everyone from the governor’s office to Maine school children.

But the Institute says not only are seatbelts unnecessary, they can even be harmful.

“Our study posed a hypothetical situation in which the car was in a lake and you needed to make a hasty exit. In this thought-experiment, we determined the seatbelt would just get in the way, causing more harm than good.”

Again, every agency contacted said the study is “awful,” and mountains and mountains of evidence exist showing seatbelts save countless lives each year.

Researchers from the Institute for Rural Driving have been involved in other studies beyond just seatbelts. They determined chainsaw chaps just slow you down if you need to run from a tree, and steel-toe boots will cut your toes off and are more dangerous than non-steel toe.

On top of those studies, they also determined you can still smoke weed even if you’ve had enough as long as your friend says “come on, dude, one more.”


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6 thoughts on “Controversial Study Finds Seatbelts Unnecessary if Driver Promises Not to Crash”

  1. I just sling the strap over the shoulder. It works great in not getting stopped for not wearing seatbelts.

  2. I heard they also said that if you only drive at night, you don’t need a driver’s liscence.

    Also if you don’t plan on getting in an accident you don’t need to wear a seatbelt .

  3. The Institute for Rural Driving also determined that motorcycle helmets break necks in accidents, so crossing your fingers is recommended instead!

  4. Driving with your dog or kid in your lap is safer because now there are four hands on the wheel for even greater control.

    Directional signals are unsafe because their use requires the driver to lessen the grip of one of his hands on the wheel (and besides, everyone knows you turn here all the time, anyway).

    Rear-view mirrors are unsafe because they take the driver’s focus from the road in front of him.

    And an infant/child car seat is unnecessary so long as the child is being held securely in its mother’s arms.

  5. Everybody say the word “Dude” a lot to your friends, that makes a big difference on how things turn out!

  6. SEAT BELTS SAVE LIVES…..mostly drunks, pot heads, cell phone callers and vans with under inflated tires carrying clumsy little girls to ballerina lessons or spastic little boys to “T” ball. Make America Stupid Again!
    Don’t forget to read the Air Bag Warnings on your visor in P.T. Barnum print. Air bags kill young uns and short women, but only a few hundred while saving thousands of others. Clinton (Slick Willie) lowered their speed and my Ranger Pickup has a government approved factory switch so I can turn off the passenger side.

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