Fryeburg — In an unprecedented move for a US spring water company, Nestle Waters North America is putting the final power crystal into its water harvesting weapon.
Known as the discomhydroluter, the large ray collects water directly from people and animals by removing it from the very cells of their bodies.
“No one is safe from the mad genius of the discomhydroluter!” Nestle lead scientist Dr. Morton von Evolstein said. Dr. von Evolstein spoke to us over Skype from his secret lair 22 miles beneath the Earth’s crust.
“For years I labored, and they laughed. Oh how they laughed! But who’s laughing now?” he laughed.
Surrounded by gurgling beakers emitting a white fog, a Jacob’s ladder, and other scientific instruments of the insane, Dr. von Evolstein told us his invention wasn’t part of Nestle’s plan.
“Those fools lack the vision, the pure genius, it takes to create something the discomhydroluter!” he said, pulling a white sheet from the device to give us our first glimpse at the weapon that will someday desiccate our bodies where we stand.
After the instant evaporation and harvesting of all water from our bodies, our mummified remains will stand frozen, a final look of horror seared onto our ghastly faces. Then our ashen remains scatter like so much dust in the wind.
Nestle is waiting for final approval from law makers it hasn’t yet bought out, but the company is confident they can get the officials in their pockets once they see the awesome power of the discomhydroluter.