Nestle Deploys Doomsday Weapon to Harvest Water Directly from Fryeburg Residents’ Bodies

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Fryeburg — In an unprecedented move for a US spring water company, Nestle Waters North America is putting the final power crystal into its water harvesting weapon.

Known as the discomhydroluter, the large ray collects water directly from people and animals by removing it from the very cells of their bodies.

“No one is safe from the mad genius of the discomhydroluter!” Nestle lead scientist Dr. Morton von Evolstein said. Dr. von Evolstein spoke to us over Skype from his secret lair 22 miles beneath the Earth’s crust.

“For years I labored, and they laughed. Oh how they laughed! But who’s laughing now?” he laughed.

Surrounded by gurgling beakers emitting a white fog, a Jacob’s ladder, and other scientific instruments of the insane, Dr. von Evolstein told us his invention wasn’t part of Nestle’s plan.

“Those fools lack the vision, the pure genius, it takes to create something the discomhydroluter!” he said, pulling a white sheet from the device to give us our first glimpse at the weapon that will someday desiccate our bodies where we stand.

After the instant evaporation and harvesting of all water from our bodies, our mummified remains will stand frozen, a final look of horror seared onto our ghastly faces. Then our ashen remains scatter like so much dust in the wind.

Nestle is waiting for final approval from law makers it hasn’t yet bought out, but the company is confident they can get the officials in their pockets once they see the awesome power of the discomhydroluter.

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4 thoughts on “Nestle Deploys Doomsday Weapon to Harvest Water Directly from Fryeburg Residents’ Bodies”

  1. Oh Jeez..this is serious. Evolstein is the same guy who installed his Whoshockapivyforajohnsonrod under the Great Building in Augusta 7 years ago.. and look what that did to the overall sanity.

    1. This makes no sense. Everyone knows they first plan to empty all the Maine underground water, then the lakes, then the ocean. After all that maybe they can dessicate – crystal clear Maine water from Maine people. Such a plunderable state.

  2. Yes, it’s so perfect now, they load up our water into little bottles and sell it to us. It’s the perfect product and way to make money, because we could have been drinking it straight from our tap, but now we can only get it by paying them for it. Who will buy it if they desiccate everyone? You may say I stand in the way of progress but I really believe they have gone too far in this instance. Why not stop while they are ahead, paying pennies and making a huge profit on each gallon?

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