Maine’s 2018 Terrorist Hunting Permit Rate Remains at 100%

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Augusta — State officials announced the annual terrorist hunting lottery in Maine will once again issue permits for all applicants.

This marks the seventeenth consecutive year the permit lotto has awarded terrorist hunting permits to everyone who wants one, officials said.

Strong moose populations might lead to an increase in awarded permits as much as 20%. Officials cite a decline in ticks giving moose numbers a boost. That boost is reflected in awarded permits.

The 100% terrorist hunting permit number is due to many factors: a broad definition of terrorism, a blank check for government overreach, and the incredible unlikelihood of anyone with a terrorist hunting permit ever encountering a terrorist.

“Few, if any, people with terrorist hunting permits leave the country. In fact, most of them never leave the town they live in,” one official stated.

The state is also continuing its relaxed attitude toward applying.

“You don’t even need to enter the official lottery for a number,” officials said.

“Just find a dusty gas station and there’s probably one in by the checkout.”

Maine has a vested interest in terrorist hunting, owing a large part of its economy to the war on terror.

“These people with their permits don’t realize it, but we give millions and millions in tax breaks to defense contractors right here in Maine. It would be a lot harder to justify if we weren’t at war constantly.”

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7 thoughts on “Maine’s 2018 Terrorist Hunting Permit Rate Remains at 100%”

  1. Dear Sargent Seth.
    The FYURSLF pin is great.. and needed.
    But the yellow…highly visible on camo..NO BAG LIMIT pin IS A TRUE collectible and must be offered!
    STAT

  2. Reminds me of the “License to Kill” joke from Futurama. Bravo sir!! Does my permit carry over to Canada? I’ve been real worried about those damn canadistanian terrorists.

    So, I had an idea last night. You know how Susan Collins is super worried about hacking our elections?

    You should do an Op-Ed or deep dive into Putin hacking the Caribou mayoral race.

    “Report: Caribou mayoral race target of Russian hack.” Tell me that’s not gold.

    Sources say Vlad has taken a keen interest in the race for Caribou’s next mayor. In fact, the only person interested in the job is a Russian communist, so Anastasia Kuznetsova, a sexy Russian spy, is likely to run unopposed. Most citizens are looking forward to the first person under the age of 40 relocating to the town for the first time since the fall of the Berlin wall, coincidentally.

    Something like that. I trust you to turn that into a story if you need an idea on a ‘slow news day.’

    Better than the Press Herald!!

  3. Also, was just browsing your affiliates. The hat on it’s old is sold out. As summer eventually comes, maybe a baseball hat with a similar color scheme?

    And as for books, I know I’d appreciate more Maine themed books for adults as suggestions over in Newmainedeals.

  4. Not really interested in the Pass, but might consider one if Media types are to be included as criminal terrorist “accessories” for promoting their fads for freaks and viewership.

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