Report: More Religious Extremists Relocating to Maine to Erect Barns, Churn Butter

Whitefield – An alarming report from town officials in Whitefield shows religious extremists are flocking to the area in record numbers.

The population of devout followers of a foreign religious sect has quadrupled in size since the first extremists arrived in 2017. Many in the area are concerned.

“This isn’t the Maine I grew up in,” said Jeremy Thibedeau of Jefferson. “They live closer to the Maine my grandfather grew up in, actually, but they don’t swear or drink at all.”

“How in the hell do you get any farming done without swearing?” Thibedeau’s grandfather, Lloyd Thibedeau, wondered. “It ain’t right.”

Some politicians are concerned about the rising population of extremists relocating to Maine. One representative cited the population’s refusal to assimilate to our culture.

“They don’t want anything to do with how Mainers are living, but they want us to buy their gourds? We need to put Mainers first” the representative warned.

The representative, who wished not to be named, is sponsoring a bill to outlaw bonnets.

 

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15 thoughts on “Report: More Religious Extremists Relocating to Maine to Erect Barns, Churn Butter”

  1. Such judgement without the full knowledge about the people who are moving to Maine in the above story. I agree with Kris. Lets not demonize them before knowing them

  2. Oh, great! Next thing you know is that they will be raising animals and storing hay in them barns and not keeping junk cars, old boats and stuff in them like you should.

  3. They are resourceful as hell though! Pants without zippers! Who woulda thunk taking a piss from the peak of a barn roof by unbuttoning 22 handmade buttons, dropping down a full torso flap and covering your junk with a handkerchief could be done with such dignity. I say, let’s give Brother Ezra and Brother Amos a chance.

  4. #$^!**&!!! That being said, let it be known that I am the designated swearer for this group. They asked how much it would cost, and I said: “%%##@^&%! They said fine, and we’ll throw in some of our apple cider that turned ‘hard’ so we can’t drink it; I
    t’s now all yours! And I said: “%@**(^$# thanks a %@@$R& load!

  5. People that work for a
    living, take care of themselves and their relatives,
    not asking for a hand out Right Put up the wall Don’t let them start a new thing Immigrants wanting to work and take care of themselves. Whoa we can’t have that

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