Thousands of Chainsaws Across the State Recalled for Being Cold-Blooded Bastards

Statewide — Some bad news for Maine’s lumber industry as chainsaws from all major manufacturers aren’t adjusting to the winter weather.

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According to an advocacy group for industry, chainsaws from every brand are having difficulty starting up as temperatures drop because of a condition known as “cold-bloodedness.”

“This goddamn thing is a cold blooded bastard,” industry veteran Travis Bubier said of his Husqvarna chainsaw.

“Sometimes you got to take the plug off’n her and give her some flame.” He demonstrated a method to remove build-up on the chainsaw’s sparkplug with the help of a Bic lighter and a vigorous rub with a filthy rag.

Stihl chainsaws are also affected, with some woodsmen claiming not only are the saws cold-blooded, but they also “have no nut” when you need them to.

The recall affects every chainsaw in the state, according to the advocacy group, including “those Harry Homeowner plastic ones from Home Cheapo.”

Cold-bloodedness affects other equipment too, such as old trucks, skidders, and even lobster boats.

If your equipment suffers cold-bloodedness, officials recommend “giving her some ether” while saying loudly “this piece of shit is a cold-blooded son of a bitch, you know it?”

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7 thoughts on “Thousands of Chainsaws Across the State Recalled for Being Cold-Blooded Bastards”

  1. It is that damn ethanol additive in the gas that is killing them. Now you have to take a Stihl in for a new carburetor annually. There is some ethanol free gas now but it’s on the other side of Maine, in Hancock and Washington countries.

  2. Was going to say use more Ethanol … it will save at least a days sawing. Corn whisky helps elect farm belt Senators from both parties and employs mechanics all across the U.S.

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