Eustis — Medical marijuana treats and alleviates all known sicknesses, reports a man with chronic conditions of the skin, lungs, and other vital organs.
Eben Levesque, 58, a life-long marijuana user and decrepit bag of loose skin and bones, swears the substance can cure any disease known to medical science.
“They dipped a pacifier in weed oil, give it to a baby one time,” the wheezing, dandruff-ridden man reports, “after one treatment, the baby was cancer-free. Swear to God.”
Levesque, who walks with a pronounced limp thanks to untreated infections in his filthy feet, is a self-taught scientist on the subject of marijuana’s curative properties.
“One time when mumma had the flu, the doctor tells her ‘go home and rest,’ so she went home and rested. Didn’t smoke at all. Took her 2 weeks before she was right again,” he said.
“But when I had a cold, I smoked a few bowls and I was feeling better in a week. Stuff is almost magical.”
Levesque said marijuana will never catch on as a treatment for all human diseases as long as there’s money to be made “treating the sick but not curing them.”
The expert on human health lit up a Marlboro red after a tremendous coughing spell brought on from a bong hit.
“Cigarettes get you 10% higher, guy.”