Marijuana Cures All Disease, Reports Unhealthiest Person You’ve Ever Met

Eustis — Medical marijuana treats and alleviates all known sicknesses, reports a man with chronic conditions of the skin, lungs, and other vital organs.

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Eben Levesque, 58, a life-long marijuana user and decrepit bag of loose skin and bones, swears the substance can cure any disease known to medical science.

“They dipped a pacifier in weed oil, give it to a baby one time,” the wheezing, dandruff-ridden man reports, “after one treatment, the baby was cancer-free. Swear to God.”

Levesque, who walks with a pronounced limp thanks to untreated infections in his filthy feet, is a self-taught scientist on the subject of marijuana’s curative properties.

“One time when mumma had the flu, the doctor tells her ‘go home and rest,’ so she went home and rested. Didn’t smoke at all. Took her 2 weeks before she was right again,” he said.

“But when I had a cold, I smoked a few bowls and I was feeling better in a week. Stuff is almost magical.”

Levesque said marijuana will never catch on as a treatment for all human diseases as long as there’s money to be made “treating the sick but not curing them.”

The expert on human health lit up a Marlboro red after a tremendous coughing spell brought on from a bong hit.

“Cigarettes get you 10% higher, guy.”


12 thoughts on “Marijuana Cures All Disease, Reports Unhealthiest Person You’ve Ever Met”

  1. i love this guy. I never knew those things. I’m gonna start smoking it. I’ve never done this before, swear to God…

  2. I am a 71 year old female and I dont drink or smoke cigarettes. I have been smoking pot since I was 21…I havent had a cold or the flu for over 20 years and can still eat anything I want. I NEVER have body aches or pain..can still touch the ground with open doctor tells me that I dont look my age at all due to lack of wrinkles on my face and overall good health..its hard to be angry at all and I enjoy everyday feeling happy and content …even though I am considered poor I am abundant in good health and I pray and thank Mother God and Father God every night for all that I have…

  3. I was born with a rare disease called Magtar and after smoking a joint its cured!!! THIS ISNT A DRUG ITS A MIRACLE

  4. What the Hell is this nonsense all about? Are you trying to be sarcastic or did you actually go out find the worst example you could to try and directed cannabis as a treatment? Seriously if it’s the latter, you might as well give up! No one is buying your shit anymore (if you’re a newspaper then literally) multiple studies back it up, it seems like everyday we get a new use or treatment from this wonder plant.

  5. I don’t know about all these cures ut i do know when i toked in the late 60’s & 70’s i never toked to get high. I toked to relax and unwind and to take pain away from beatings. you never hear i killed that person because i smoked pot or any crime committed because someone got high. But you always hear and read in paper or watch on news someone committed a violent crime while they were drunk. Booze is legal and it kills people every day. Marijuana may be illegal but it never kills anyone or causes that person to do stupid shit like hurting others. I am and have been in chronic pain for decades and thank’s to this opioid CRISES i have been taken off my pain meds. My Dr informs me that i am qualified to get medical marijuana . I go so how do i go about that. She tells me that she will send me to another Dr and after i give this Dr 200.00 bucks this Dr will send me to a place to buy some. Screw that. It’s legal in my state but state has not ironed out things yet. So i will suffer and wait and then take that 200.00 bucks i would of gave some dr and buy me some good stuff.. I gaVE UP TOKING DECADES AGO BEFORE I GOT MARRIED AND BROUGHT KIDS INTO THISWORLD THEN TAISED THEM MYSELF.

  6. OMG, people. Did you not realize this entire site is satire? As in, made up, just to make people laugh, while pointing out some silly societal problem?

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