Marijuana Cures All Disease, Reports Unhealthiest Person You’ve Ever Met

Eustis — Medical marijuana treats and alleviates all known sicknesses, reports a man with chronic conditions of the skin, lungs, and other vital organs.

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Eben Levesque, 58, a life-long marijuana user and decrepit bag of loose skin and bones, swears the substance can cure any disease known to medical science.

“They dipped a pacifier in weed oil, give it to a baby one time,” the wheezing, dandruff-ridden man reports, “after one treatment, the baby was cancer-free. Swear to God.”

Levesque, who walks with a pronounced limp thanks to untreated infections in his filthy feet, is a self-taught scientist on the subject of marijuana’s curative properties.

“One time when mumma had the flu, the doctor tells her ‘go home and rest,’ so she went home and rested. Didn’t smoke at all. Took her 2 weeks before she was right again,” he said.

“But when I had a cold, I smoked a few bowls and I was feeling better in a week. Stuff is almost magical.”

Levesque said marijuana will never catch on as a treatment for all human diseases as long as there’s money to be made “treating the sick but not curing them.”

The expert on human health lit up a Marlboro red after a tremendous coughing spell brought on from a bong hit.

“Cigarettes get you 10% higher, guy.”

9 thoughts on “Marijuana Cures All Disease, Reports Unhealthiest Person You’ve Ever Met”

  1. i love this guy. I never knew those things. I’m gonna start smoking it. I’ve never done this before, swear to God…

  2. I am a 71 year old female and I dont drink or smoke cigarettes. I have been smoking pot since I was 21…I havent had a cold or the flu for over 20 years and can still eat anything I want. I NEVER have body aches or pain..can still touch the ground with open doctor tells me that I dont look my age at all due to lack of wrinkles on my face and overall good health..its hard to be angry at all and I enjoy everyday feeling happy and content …even though I am considered poor I am abundant in good health and I pray and thank Mother God and Father God every night for all that I have…

  3. I was born with a rare disease called Magtar and after smoking a joint its cured!!! THIS ISNT A DRUG ITS A MIRACLE

  4. What the Hell is this nonsense all about? Are you trying to be sarcastic or did you actually go out find the worst example you could to try and directed cannabis as a treatment? Seriously if it’s the latter, you might as well give up! No one is buying your shit anymore (if you’re a newspaper then literally) multiple studies back it up, it seems like everyday we get a new use or treatment from this wonder plant.

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