Hannaford Introduces New Kombucha Nips

Scarborough – Maine’s largest grocery chain is hoping a new fusion of two favorites will help drive growth for the future.

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Kombucha nips are single-serving sized bottles of fermented tea, a drink some believe holds a myriad of health benefits.

“We took a look at the demographics of Maine and realized we could serve two different kinds of customer at once,” a spokesperson for Hannaford said.

“Kombucha sales in southern Maine are extraordinarily strong, but in the rest of Maine it’s practically unheard of,” the spokesperson said.

“However, nips are universally beloved, no matter what the location in Maine, so we thought we could combine the two and better serve the people of Maine.”

Kombucha is a vinegary drink created when tea is left out for several weeks. According to Hannaford, its “probiotic nature, exotic name, and terrible taste makes it extremely popular” at locations like Belfast, South Portland, and many others.

“When we see a customer come into our store with a reusable MPBN bag, we know they’re going to grab a bottle or two. We figured, why not make a more manageable size?”

 

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11 thoughts on “Hannaford Introduces New Kombucha Nips”

  1. There’s no need to pay exorbitant prices for these chemical-laden, commercially processed kombucha beverages! They can be made quite easily at home, in your car, or in any organic-certified, cruelty-free, BPA-free container. Not only will you save money and impress your Facebook Friends™, but the highly intense aromatic vapors released during the first fourteen stages of the kombucha lifecycle are arguably beneficial to your essential life energy! (As proven by science.) Your downwind neighbors will marvel at the strength of character and determination you must possess to brave the caustic fumes emitted by the fungal mats as they slosh gently in their vats of growth medium. (Do NOT breathe vapors from a kombucha slime as it enters its fifteenth stage! While it is fully natural and organic, it is also fantastically… potent, and will dissolve pets and small children on contact. If your kombucha creature were to continue on, unharvested, to its sixteenth life stage, it will almost certainly escape from any non-military-grade enclosure, and will begin incorporating any living being it encounters into its own massive, yeasty (and now mobile) symbiotic biofilm.) Provided you follow a few common sense safety guidelines, kombucha cultivation is fun, organic, and almost always non-fatal.

    What Health-Ade doesn’t want you to know is that the health benefits from drinking kombucha run-off cannot be realized until you’ve consumed at least one litre, and that’s in a concentrated form! You can tell from the murky, translucent clouds in the Health-Ade drink that it is an inferior product. When I haven’t had the time to allow my bathtub full of acetic bacteria and osmophilic yeast to fully mature, and need a quick fix, I grab a delicious-seeming K-PopⓇ brand kombucha drink. (Don’t listen to the naysayers, with their allegations that K-PopⓇ congeals inside you! They’re just corporate shills for Health-Ade, and host colonization by a semi-mature kombucha is practically unheard of.)

    Check out my Instagram for a complete tutorial on growing your very own syntrophic consortium of unknowable microorganisms, embedded in a wonderfully slimy extracellular matrix of polymeric substances. Once you start cultivating your own kombucha, you’ll never stop! Ever!

    1. I like the vaguely eldritch horror undertones this statement conveys. Long sleeping our elder lay in the kombucha vats. Kombucha f’taghn.

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