Portland Mayor Confident New Roundabout Will Make It Easier Than Ever to Avoid Panhandlers

Portland – In a welcome display of bipartisanship, Portland’s Mayor and City Council agree the traffic circle at Brighton and Deering avenues and Falmouth Street will more than adequately dissuade the homeless from begging there.

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“It’s going to relieve a lot congestion,” Mayor Ethan Strimling said. “Traffic will be completely unfazed by homeless people asking for citizens to just give them money.”

The mayor, currently raising funds for a reelection campaign, is excited to see how quickly Portland’s homeless grow frustrated as traffic no longer comes to a stop.

“We all know too well the difficulties of busy intersections when it comes to avoiding interacting with the homeless.”

A $30,000 art project, currently in the proposal phase, will ensure the intersection can’t be used for homeless encampments.

“We are thrilled we were able to get the money approved so quickly so we can move forward with whatever sculpture ends up there,” Strimling said.

The mayor hasn’t viewed the proposals but is confident “they’ll all take up plenty of room on the green space.”

The mayor hopes the city can find more money in its budget to install spikes and other personnel deterrents around the proposed sculpture.

“The new homeless shelter is a long walk from anywhere in the city and people are bound to get tired,” he said. “The last thing we want is for them to stop and rest under an expensive sculpture of a boat or whatever.”

 

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6 thoughts on “Portland Mayor Confident New Roundabout Will Make It Easier Than Ever to Avoid Panhandlers”

  1. Besides erecting deterrents to keep the panhandlers away, how about figuring out how to eliminate the reasons for homelessness? In the meantime, planting spikes is kid’s play. If you really want to solve the panhandling crisis, the city could electrify all metal in the area and if that doesn’t work, perhaps a sprinkler system that sprays hot oil will do the job. The possibilities are endless.

      1. Or maybe they could get off their fat, lazy hindquarters and work for a living like the rest of us have to.

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