Embarrassed Angus King Can’t Turn Eyes Back From Dollar Signs After Meeting With Defense Contractors

Washington, D.C. — Maine Senator Angus King is currently undergoing observation by the Attending Physician of the United States Congress after his dollar-sign eyes failed to return to normal.

Continue reading “Embarrassed Angus King Can’t Turn Eyes Back From Dollar Signs After Meeting With Defense Contractors”

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Trump Voters in Rural Maine Express Regret About Agreeing to Be Interviewed for This Story

Millinocket — We asked people in this predominantly Trump-voting part of Maine if they regret letting us ask them questions to cherry-pick quotes for this story, and the answers might surprise you.

Continue reading “Trump Voters in Rural Maine Express Regret About Agreeing to Be Interviewed for This Story”

Stephen King Spent Last Night Throwing Pebbles at Donald Trump’s Bedroom Window

Washington, D.C. — In spite of being blocked by the 45th president on Twitter, Stephen King still won’t give Donald Trump a break.

Continue reading “Stephen King Spent Last Night Throwing Pebbles at Donald Trump’s Bedroom Window”

For the Seventh Year in a Row, Maine’s Least-Popular Halloween Costume Is Sexy Paul LePage

Bangor — According to consumer trend analysts, Mainers still aren’t embracing pre-made Sexy Paul LePage costumes for their Halloween parties.

Continue reading “For the Seventh Year in a Row, Maine’s Least-Popular Halloween Costume Is Sexy Paul LePage”

Mortified Portland Mayor Accidentally Calls Out New York City’s Name in Bed

Portland — A red-faced Ethan Strimling is facing an angry city this morning after shouting “New York City” during the throes of passion last night.

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Maine Lawmakers Say They Need More Time to ‘Really Fuck Up’ Legalized Marijuana Laws

Augusta — Maine politicians are seeking more time to write laws ensuring they do a really bad job with retail marijuana sales in the state. Continue reading “Maine Lawmakers Say They Need More Time to ‘Really Fuck Up’ Legalized Marijuana Laws”